“Good Morning candidates. I am Anne Robinson, and you will only qualify if you pass my tests. If not, you will be cancelled with extreme prejudice – your dreams of being the President of the Internet dashed against the harsh stones of reality!” Anne says.
“The first elimination round will be your opening statements, begin!”
“The Internet is amazing, and I love it. I was just a kid from Brooklyn, and I soon became known for cracking jokes and having fun on ScrewTube. Many have forgotten that, how cool the Internet can be. We have people who embarrass themselves for fame, clout and money. I love making fun of most of these jokers, because they’re definitely spaced out. As the President of the Internet, I will continue to make fun of the idiots!” Kris Laser Pistol, wearing a Charlie Sheen “Winning” T-shirt, says.
“Kris, there is extremism. You can’t just ignore it. All I have to look at is Team Yellow, with Sargoon and the Human Ray of Sunshine, and the Neckbearded. They want to make gaming and pop culture extremely hostile to women and girls. This is so wrong. We need to oppose them at all costs. Women are people and should be able to delve into the world, the same as any man!” Anita Sarcasiam says.
“None of you will keep Elong Rust from destroying Team Magenta. You’ll be so moderate that he will have no accountability when he goes to the moon and destroys cities by dropping moon rocks. Team Yellow will always win, if either of you win the Presidency!” Barmy Wu shouts. “I will ensure this will not happen. I will make Elong Rust disappear in the annuals of history. I will use all the power of being the President of the Internet to make sure the world is safe!”
“If I am elected president of the Internet, I will ensure people will learn all about social media addiction. It clearly changes how people think and feel to the point they will do absolute crazy things. It’s no different than drugs or alcohol. It’s destroying lives, so we need to raise awareness of how devastating it is. We need to do something about it!” T1S says.
“If I am elected as President of the Internet, I will ensure safety all over the Internet and in America. I will use the power to ensure there is no more civil war. The civil war will destroy us. I will ensure people get help for social media addiction to against the extremism on the Internet!” Tim Fool says.
“The only way we can fight against the extremism is to make all the capitalists accountable for the social media world they created. They’re making billions on us fighting, and I hate it. I want everyone enjoying a socialist utopia, and that’s what I will create if I am the President of the Internet.” Hazy Biker says.
Anne looks at them sternly.
“With the opening statements out of the way, I ask the Audience and the candidates to vote for the weakest link, the two most voted people will be eliminated in the next round!”
The Candidates quickly select who they think did well, as does the audience, while Loser by Beck plays.
Anne looks at the results. She looks over to Barmy Wu.
“I shall read one comment with the vote. I vote that Barmy Wu is the weakest link. Who could believe Elong Rust will drop moon rocks on us, I can’t think of one person. She’s just unstable!
I happen to agree, and so does many other audience – over 80% think you are the weakest link.
You do not have a connection with reality. With the total, sky is falling mentality – you would be the worst President of the Internet ever!
You are the weakest link.”
“You bastards, I am not the one who is wrong, you are all wrong. And you denied me. I will not go down without a fight.”
Guards come into the debate stage. “Maam, you need to leave now.”
“NO!!!” She shouts.
Five guards grab her and start dragging her, kicking and screaming of the stage.
The audience laughs.
Then Anne looks at T1S.
“I am sorry, but the audience think you’re just a copy cat version of Kris Laser Pistol. While I think you have some interesting ideas, there is room for only one reasonable person. I wish you luck with your future ScrewTube content.
But the audience has voted, 12% say you are the weakest link!”
T1S nods, and turns around and walks off the stage.
“We’re onto the next elimination round. Kris Laser Pistol, Anita Sarcasiam, Tim Fool, and Hazy Biker will answer questions from the audience, two questions a piece in the rapid question round.” Anne says.
Anne stares at Kris.
“As the front runner, but there are murmurs that you don’t take this race seriously enough, most of your campaign is one-liners and jokes. How would you like to respond?” Anne asks.
“I have a philosophy, live and let live. Eat, Laugh, Love. I don’t think taking anything on the Internet seriously is good for you. So, I lead by example – don’t worry, be happy!”
An audience member comes down – a blonde in a red, white, and blue dress.
“My question is for Hazy Biker. You say as the President of the Internet, you will bring a socialist utopia to everyone. How will you accomplish this – when people say the President of the Internet is nothing more than a glorified Influencer?”
“Look Miss America, I was able to use socialist rhetoric and gaming to become a very prominent streamer on BWitch. If I can do that, I can do anything. I will make a social utopia – and you will all be rich beyond your champagne wishes and caviar dreams!” Hazy responds.
Anne stares at Tim Fool.
“Do you really think there will be a civil war where we starve to death?” She asks.
“Have you not seen what is going on the Internet? There’s so many people who are constantly fighting each other, it’s called the Culture War. It’s happening. That’s why people swat me all the time, they want me to stop telling the truth!” Tim Fool says,
An audience, a man in a black button up shirt and blue jeans, member laughs, “You said I wouldn’t be able to buy steaks, hamburgers or chicken in 2021. I am still buying new steaks, hamburgers and chicken. Yes, it’s more expensive, but I can still buy groceries – no starving, and I don’t see violence on the streets either!”
“It’ll happen, the IMF is at war with farmers, you will be starving soon, unless I’m the President of the Internet. Agenda 2030. I will use the power that the President of the Internet to prevent that!”
The audience member shakes his head.
Another audience member walks down to the microphone. It’s a blonde woman in a work shirt and blue jeans.
“My question is for Anita Sarcasiam. I saw videos where you said it was never about video games, it was about social justice. Why are you so against fun video games with sexy women?”
“Video games with sexy women objectify all of us. It will brainwash young men to hate women who don’t look the same. It will also make them think it’s their right to look at women, whether they like it or not!” Anita says.
“But is it objectifying if some women like attention?” The woman says.
“It is, don’t be a choose me!” Anita says.
The woman shakes her head and walks away.
“The next set of questions are all Zeet questions for the all the candidates,” Anne says.
Staring at Kris.
“What are your intentions for the Internet, if you are elected President of the Internet?” She asks.
“Intentions,” Kris smiles. “I want to have fun. The Internet used to be a party. Memes, jokes, creativity, games. And the moment political bassholes came in, it stopped. They hated Pepe, memes and jokes. It’s time to make the Internet a fun party again!”
Anne stares at Anita.
“This zeet user wants to ask, can we truly remove all sexism on the Internet, and destroy the Patriarchy, or is it a wild goose chase as we act like the Lobster?” Anne
asks.
“That Lobster metaphor has done so much harm to the feminist movement since its inception. ‘Feminists’ are the Lobster. It’s just patriarchy. You need to be quiet, or you’re an angry lobster. I will not be quiet anymore. Women are not equal on the Internet. As the president of the Internet, I will ensure women are treated like people on the Internet,” Anita says.
Anne turns and stares at Tim Fool.
“I have a Zeet question. Why do you believe Agenda 2030 – It doesn’t look like anything is happening right now to achieve this?” Anne asks.
“Look, I know you probably haven’t researched history. I can tell. If you did, you’d realize how close we are to a civil war again. It’s going to be soon. Haven’t you listened to all the online sources, showing how people are more and more angry at each other. And the fact that the IMF is attacking farmers. If something doesn’t happened, we’ll be killing ourselves in the street and starving,” Tim Fool says.
The Anne turns and stares at Hazy Biker.
“The final Zeet question – why do you think communism will make us all rich, when it is shown it makes people more poor, not more rich?” Anne asks.
“Look, I know things seem bad, but AI will change everything. We will be able to use AI to produce stuff 10 times faster. It will be the great leveller. We will all become rich, as we work with Andrew Lang and start paying people with UBI. And by taxing people like Elong Rust and Zuck Muckerborg – we can create a Universal Basic Income supplement for everyone. Everything will be amazing, we just have to create the best social utopia,” Hazy says.
“Thank you for your answers. The audience will choose your fate,” Anne says.
Anne turns to the audience.
“Please vote for the weakest links.”
There is silence for about a minute as the audience and candidates vote.
Anne looks at the results and looks at Hazy Biker.
“Nobody thinks your socialist agenda will be good for the Internet. With over 70%, the you are the weakest link.”
Hazy cries a single tear.
“I’m sorry I sound too good to be true!” Hazy says.
He walks off the stage and waves goodbye.
Then Anne looks at Anita.
“Oh, no. You’re a woman. You can’t betray us. Sisterhood sister, sisterhood!” Anita says.
“I am sorry, but with 20%,” Anne says.
She turns her head to Tim Fool, “You are the next weakest link!”
“What?” Tim Fool says.
“Your extreme brainwashed vision of the future could never happen. It is not happening, and will never happen like you say.” Anne says.
Tim turns red.
“Please leave now, Mr. Fool,” Anne says.
Tim nods and walks off the stage.
“We’re on the last part – the final person moves on to campaign for the President of the Internet, and the other one is the final weakest link,” Anne says. “The final selection is all about your final statements – why should you be the President of the Internet?”
“Can you imagine me as the President for the Internet? I’d make games, fun, memes, jokes, movies, and music everything. We’ll be much more relaxed – instead of stressed out about politics. Name one good thing stressing about online drama and politics has done? Nothing. So, why even do it. It does nothing.
Mental health is crashing, people are fighting, the lobster is reigning. We can’t allow this to happen on the Internet. Once everything became political on the Internet, everything only got worse.
I’m the only candidate that isn’t political, and I’m the best bet. I am a superhero after all.” Kris says.
He nods to Anita.
“I would be a much better President of the Internet. Ever since I started to critique games, privileged white-male gamers came after me. And a few years later, President Thrumpy became the president, and it comes straight from GamerGate. GamerGate that Mr. Kris Laser Pistol participated in.
While I am thankful he took the winds out of many sails in many of my opponents, with his crass jokes. But it would ruin the Internet. Crass jokes offend so many people – which drive women off the Internet. He will embody everything that is wrong.
I need to be the President of the Internet, so we are not so crass anymore. We should respect each other!”
She nods to Kris.
Anne turns to the audience.
“For the last time, I want the audience to decide who the weakest link is,” Anne says.
There is silence for 10 seconds and a beep.
Anne looks at the results.
“Anita, 85% of the audience consider you the weakest link,” Anne says.
“PATRIARCHY!” Anita shouts.
She sneers, turns around and walks off stage.
“Kris Laser Pistol, you are the strongest link. With your humour, relaxed attitude, and fun loving personality, you are the greatest member of Team Magenta. We wish you luck!”
The Candidates are parodies of real world Internet influencers. Their statements are hyperbolic exaggerations of things they have said and done in the past.
The Master Debaters live in the Webtastic Stories universe – a place of truly bizarre surrealistic politics. You can order your book off of Amazon.
$1.50 of each paperback sales goes to charity!
Do you let Trolls on the Internet get to you?
It’s time to turn the tables on them and shine light in their direction.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant!
Beatrix Nay’Robi is an outspoken black trans woman of colour on the Internet, but IRL Max White is anything but. When frenemies expose his secret on social media, all hell breaks loose.
Webtastic Stories is a dark satire story about the Internet.
With lying influencers causing drama for “fame, clout, and money.”
And the aftermath of internet drama impacting society and on individual lives.
And a glimpse of what life look like if we didn’t chase after every Internet controversy!
Amazing Gaming Productions 
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